Funny how things seem clearer when it's written down. Not than I completely sorted things out (would be to easy) but I realized I've been a total cow with Baptiste. We spent the day together. We were cooking lunch together when Barbie and James woke up. I almost didn't feel jealous. But God, that girl is gorgeous, I must hate her, it's like a rule. Baptiste is not what we can call a cook but he tries so much you could actually say it's good or at least eatable. No really he bought a book and he's getting better. At least he didn't set the kitchen on fire so we're making progress. Anyway we cooked together and it was a lovely almost romantic moment. He talked to me about his childhood when he cooked with his mama and so on. I realized we never really talked about that. We've been talking about my sweet 16, James, the break up but I've never really actually got to know him better.
I even wanted to meet his parents (after he told me his father was listening to Johnny Cash and Pasty Cline) for about ten seconds... cause then I remembered I was still not so sure of my feelings and blablabla.
The four of us stayed at home for the whole afternoon (I mean look at that weather !). I've almost been nice to Barbie. No I wasn't actually. I meant to and then I saw her hair, her legs and I've been a total bitch with her. But she's kind of use to it now so it doesn't really matter.
After the first movie we watched, Baptiste wanted coffee and went to prepare it in the kitchen. I was with James all alone.
_ So things are going well with Baptiste ?
_ Of course they are, why you're asking ?
_ No reason, it's just Baptiste talked to me a while ago and he was worried about you two. So just checking.
_ Worried ? What do you mean worried ?
_ It's nothing, he just said he could feel you were not as much involved as him and than maybe you'll never be because...
_ What ? Because what ?
_ Cause he thinks you still loved me. I told him he was stupid and way too wrong. Corey, am wrong right ?
_ And here one for you, one for you and one for me.
_ Smells good. Did you put cinnamon ?
_ Course I know you love it.
_ You put cinnamon !!! But you don't like cinnamon.
_ Not but you do.
_ You put cinnamon in my coffee !!!
It seemed stupid I know but at that moment I realized I was a total cow !!!
- I have a damn puertorican ass. I mean J-Lo has the same one so it can't be that bad.
- I've been elected "Best freak" when I was twelve at a summer camp.
- I am American. And French. And Puertoricaine. And Canadian. Some people are exotic what can I say.
- I've got a collection of purses: forty four, almost 45 (planning to have the new Bershka one for my birthday)
- Luke, the hottest freshmen in highschool dumped me twice.
- I can smoke twenty cigarets a day.
- I have the entire collection of Sex and the City.
- I can spend a week of salary in two hours of shopping.
- My room is a mess that nobody can understand but me.
- I cheated for my final maths exam in highschool.
- My french bank offered me 100 euro for my wedding after a computer mistake.
- My older brother is drunk faster than me
- I had only four boyfriends. I slept with two guys.
- I am not blond
- I never pay the subway in Paris
- I can perfectly cook buttered toasts.
- When Peter D. broke my nose in junior school and I didn't cry he said I was a real man !!!
- If I don't shave I could give my hairs for a wig.
- I ruined Barbie dress last new year. Beer and white don't match.
- Last year, everybody thought I had an affair with a married teacher of the university.
- I am the craziest in my family.
6 am: Saturday morning:
What is that fucking sound ? Is that the radio ? Who else could sing so loud at 6 am. I don't like mornings especially saturday morning. I said once to James I could run with him on saturday but I didn't expect him to take it seriously. Now, he insists on me to come every weekends. Lovely isn't it ? The only thing is I can spend time with him. I mean we may live together, I don't see him that much you know.
"Hi sunshine, sleep well ?" I ask when I entered the kitchen. "Better than you. Please a mirror, you look like a wrestler-girl" he replied. "Stop talking. Coffee. Thanks". I am still watchinh him as he buttered my toast reading the newspaper. "So, I said, any hookers you may consider ?". As he smiled at me, I hear a flush. Who's that ? "Bonjour Corey". Shit I forgot Barbie spent the weekend over. I can't stand her. She is a... anyway "Hey, I reply". I rarely make the effort to speak French to her. Why should I when she doesn't try to speak English ? I am not hungry anymore. I look at my toasts. My lovely buttered toasts. "Sleep well ?" she asked. Yes that's what she does, Barbie. She always tries to be nice with me cause she knows I hate her. Like that she's the victime when things don't work out between us and James is mad at me. She's good that little bitch. Why I don't like her, isn't it obvious ? "Actually yes. Better than you. You look like a wrestler-girl!" "Corey !!" "What !! I was just saying she was a bit pale that's all".
I felt way better after that. Even the running could not ruining that little moment of glory ! What a lovely day, don't you think !
Well I still have to talk to Baptiste...
I am not quite sure. Or perhaps I know but I don't like the answer. I am pretty sure my own addictions are good at some point. Probably cause they're mine, right ? Well, Jess always said I am addicted to too many things. Jessica is smart and has good sense. She's my best friend. Maybe she's right. I planned to write her an e mail for ages now but the workaholic than I am doesn't take the time to do it. First withdrawal: I let my books for the whole afternoon yesterday and I called her. Emailing her would have been a better idea, or at least cheaper. Anyway. We talked a lot and she's right, I should give up some stuff. 4 years is fully enough to kill myself gradually. I can't live like that anymore.
The real question now is: Am I ready or not ? Should I say it out loud to make it official ? Or should I do it secretly and make an announcement when I am really over it ?
Jess told me I need time. I surely can't do it in one day or two. She advised me to put some order in my mind first (didn't really understand why). So this morning I went to the drugstore and I bought nicotine patches, chewing gums and the whole perfect set of the "new non smoking person". She was talking about cigaret, wasn't she ?
Hold on Jess you said "gradually"...
so I start with cigarets and then I'll see...
Baptiste wants to introduce me to his parents. He told me a few weeks ago and I completely freaked out so I just kept the subject out of every conversations. But he text me this morning to plan a date. His mother is thrilled to make my acquaintance he said. That makes one of us.
I didn't answer yet of course.
You're kidding ??? Meet his parents, his perfect housewife french mommy. And what his father is doing again, he is a banker is that right ? I can have dinner with someone working in a bank. I hate bank. I mean I hate mine. Well that's not entirely true, the bank hates me. Long story, save it for later. Anyway, I said I had to check my schedule cause I am kind of busy with the exams and everything. So he called me: "you don't wanna meet my parents, do you ?" Boy that guy is so good (told you he was smart)! "of course I do honey, it is just I don't wanna be tired when I meet them, I want them to see the best of me and trust me if you could see me right now you'd know what I'm talking about" God I was inspired. "Well for that I should see you first and I don't so... anyway see you later babe".
What was that ? Baptiste has never been suspicious or whatever he is right now. what the hell was that ? Does he not believe me ? For God's sake I couldn't tell him I don't wanna meet his parents cause I am not sure of my feelings. Or that every morning I see James and wonder why we're not together anymore. Should I say that to him ? I don't think so. I hate lying, well I mean I know it's wrong (better !) but I am in the middle of a very deep reflection and I really don't know what I want...
"Smoking prohibited" signs are now everywhere. Even French people took a stand a few months ago. But trust me it's easier to say than to do.
My cigaret and I we have so many memories together, we are in a happy, solid and lasting relationship. My second real relationship apart from my family. I started smoking when I was fifteen cause Jess's brother was smoking and was also very hot. But I found out he had a girlfriend so I quit. But tabacco is as powerful as an unruly lock you try to remove. I always had a reason, an excuse: the stress of my exams, the stress of the moving. And finally I stopped apologizing or even looking for excuses cause my cigaret and I we are in a couple and we like showing off around... is that bad ?
Smoking is not a failure nor a disease. I'd rather say you can find some advantages. I can flirt with a guy with the only power of my cigaret in Paris. We exchange numbers over a fag and "need a lighter ?" I am sexy with my cigaret cause at least I know what to do with my hands. I don't stand up like an idiot or cross my legs and arms the last virgin on the earth. I look cool. I won't deny cigaret kills, I know it but with all that second hand smoking I'll die sooner or later. I just wanna be sure I know what I'll die for. Plus, I am pretty sure that If I give enough money to the government, they'll reduce my taxes.
This is a strategy. Cigaret is all about strategy. For example, I always have 3 more minutes for break, cutie Matthieu smokes right in front of me and nobody gives me a roasting for chewing gum all the time. The other thing is than instead of eating when I am stressed; I smoke. The idea is than after the exams, for the last party of the year I am thinner than ever to fit in my new black dress.
Everybody around tells me to stop smoking and so on. I'll think about it. But you can break up a so much upon trust relationship like this one. My cigaret and I we comfort each other for years now. When I feel lonely and even the words can help it, I sit down on the porch and I have one of these moments with nobody else than my cigaret and I. And everytime I spit out the smoke and I try to expel my negatives thought to feel a little bit better...
Who said a rebound guy was a good and perfect solution ? I said fuck off to those people. That's the worse solution ever. Trust me. I met Baptiste when I came here this summer. He looks like Prince Charming (well maybe less handsome I must say). He is nice, great... whatever. But the only thing I think about is that "he is not him". What do I mean ? Isn't it clear ? He is not the one I've been looking for for years. The one I found and lost. For God's sake, I should stop torturing myself and enjoy the time with Baptiste. Let's see:
- He is cute. I try to make him cut his hair cause I don't like it like that but still he is gorgeous.
- He is nice. And it's a good quality, isnt' it ?
- He is attentive with me in every little details.
- He is smart or that's what everyone says. And he's got a job. A good one I may add.
- We are more than perfect to each other according to some friends.
- He is serious and mature. Probably cause he is almost 30.
- He is a good kisser. I don't wanna sound superficial but that detail matters more than some others. You can be with someone you don't like to kiss, it's maths !
- He loves me.
- I know someone cutter.
- He is too nice with me sometimes it's unbearable.
- He's got a job, I am a student who doesn't know what to do next year. I live a day at a time.
- I don't really see myself in a lifetime with him.
- He is 8 years older.
- Despite the fact he is an very good kisser, I don't feel the butterflies everytime we kiss.
- I like him.
Should I consider him a bit more just because everybody told me to do so ?
Should I stop thinking about those butterflies ? Should I move on now ?
Should I give him a chance ?
And if Carrie chose Aidan instead of Mister Big ?
And if my Mr Big wasn't the one I thought ?
Birthdays and Christmas are the same: you can ask what you want the most. So my requests are...
A precised idea of what I'm heading to next year
Sleeping more than 5hours a night
A nice family walk along the Seine river eating chicks food
Free time to be able to write that e mail to my best mate Jessica
No jet lag to be able to phone anytime I want
Finding a solution for what is going to be a problem between Baptiste and I sooner or later
Thinking about my real feelings for Baptiste
Stop smoking. I am almost illegale in every country now
Having and pass my fucking exams
A return ticket. A pair of santiags. A jukebox
Talking to mum
A first Freshmen trip in highschool. A firecamp
I would rather like not lying to Cecile about her boyfriend's behavior since he is here
No more good memories. I am feeling nostalgic.
A chick lit book, funny and entertaining anything but Dickens or Zola
Time for myself
That people stop asking me what I am gonna do for my 22nd birthday
He says I talk too much and ask too many questions. He says I can't stop myself analyzing every situation. He says I don't trust myself but I should. He says I am fragile but brave. He says I can be impossible and capricious. He says my independence is scary and dizzy. He says I should stop thinking. He says I spend too much money but that I am really sexy. He says my sense of humor is healthy, witty and funny. He says I am devoted to people, attentive and sensitive. He says I am fresh, natural, sophisticated. He says my different accents are kind of cute. He says I can be the whole world by myself. He says I am deliciously and discreetly extravagant. He says I am his icon and his inspiration. He says I am beautiful.
I say I am only Corey... and this is my column...